The Baby Blues, Just a Little Early.

I don't know that I am equipped to ever have a child.

Not physically -- even though I suppose I have never really gotten that checked out, so that could present a problem in and of itself. The problem I speak of is an emotional one. Emotionally, I am not there. And I can't really see myself getting there. Ever. Another human being whose entire existence depends 100% on me? Meaning that if I don't feel like feeding it because I am pissed of at it, it dies? Meaning that if I want to go see a movie with my friends because I've been couped up at home for a week and I don't feel like towing along a whiny brat-baby, it dies? Meaning that if I want my own bloody personal space back and I want a glimpse back into what was my fabulous bachelorette existence for an hour, and I kick it out of my house to fend for itself against the elements, it dies? Meaning that if I resent it for eating up all my time and money and energy and stealing my youth and my figure and I starve it of my love, it dies?

Trust me -- I know how these scenarios sound. But what scares me is that recent events have led me to believe that these are the exact feelings that I will harbor toward this poor unborn. I am selfish. I can be selfish and horrible and inconsiderate and utterly self-involved. Even my mother told me so, and who knows you better? I was tempted to think that I'll love the kid when it's mine and that people only ever really develop those maternal tendencies when they reproduce themselves. But it's not true. I look at my friends -- Moh is this wonderfully warm person who, even amidst some of her more prima donna tendencies, does a remarkable job of making sure that those she cares about are well taken care of -- me, the boyfriend, the brothers. Lee gravitates to anything unable to hold its own head upright and lacking full control of its poop and pee facilities, and is extremely thoughtful and kind . And I know it's wrong to compare but if they have it already, why don't I? Will I ever? While I have all my babies' names all picked out (Ephraim for my first son, Clapton and Lennon for the twins and Carson for my wonderful spirited tomboy), I don't know that I'll actually ever get to meet them and I think I would really like to. I hope the next ten years prove me terribly, terribly wrong.

What I'm Listening to Now: Gravity -- Sara Bareilles
(Lawd, this chile can sang!! If you don't know, you better ask somebody. Or run along to iTunes and download this joint for yourself. A song for you if you've ever been under someone's spell and was inexplicably incapable of freeing yourself. Who hasn't? Simply written and beautifully delivered -- my favorite.)

My Wish for You this Christmas...

I hope you're close to the ones you love. I hope you're warm. I hope you not only get want you want, but you want all you've already got. I hope you have great food and lots of laughter. I hope you have toasted marshmallows (really toasted, not like the marshmallows my sister and I tried to toast over a candle when we were little -- we don't really talk about that anymore). I hope you can look back in joy at Christmases past, but also relish the Christmas you've got today -- learn that things change and people grow and Christmas won't mean the same to you as it did then when you and your siblings were kids and your family gathered around the Christmas tree, bursting with anticipation. But it can still be special if you let it. I hope you can look past all the commercialization and sensationalization and fake cheer and empty "Happy Holidays!" and see that despite it all, you really, really are blessed. I hope your friends and family let you know how much they love and appreciate you. I hope you're happy. Merry Christmas.

What I'm Listening to Now: All I Wamt fpr Christmas -- Mariah Carey
(Just 'cos it's Christmas!)

Just to See You Smile --- Tim McGraw

I’m “involved” with an older man. But it’s not what you think. It’s not what anyone thinks. To be honest, I’m not even sure what I think. But this is what I know. He enjoys my company and I relish being in his. He seeks my opinion on matters of life and love and I am flattered. We can (and oftentimes do) talk about music for hours on end. We share a love for DC. He likes to teach me things and I love to learn from him. We love food and eating well. He listens to me and doesn’t judge me for my many, many failings.

People are skeptical. There’s got to be something going on – men, particularly older men, do not spend their time in the company of a young female for whom they do not have great intentions, if you know what I’m saying….nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (Okay, enough of that!) And sometimes, when they ask, a small part of me almost wants there to be something more interesting, more salacious, more downright scandalous going on than there is just for the sake of having a great story to tell. But this is the real truth of what is ‘going on’ with Older Guy and me. I shall illustrate with a short tale. Come along with me, won’t you?

This last week, he sent me a Facebook message to share some hilarious anecdote from his week and concluded his missive with a casual “How are you?” to which of course, I melodramatically responded “An emotional wreck”, as this particular day was the anniversary of my father’s death. He responds with a pretty sweet message about being grateful for the time I had with him and how I am blessed to have had someone worth missing and whatnot and then he ends with “Call me on the weekend”. Okay, sure. So the weekend rolls around and I call him and at first he can’t remember why he’d asked me to call, and he didn’t exactly say in his message, but I reminded him that it was in the message he’d sent about my dad, at which point things clicked.

He goes “Oh yes!!! I remember why I wanted you to call me. I wanted to make you laugh. That was all – I just wanted to make you laugh”

You heard it from the man. He just wants to make me laugh. And I love him for that.

What I'm Listening to Now: The Christmas Song -- Nat King Cole
(I mean -- seriously -- need I say more?)

Let's Get the First One Out of the Way, Shall We?

Well, hello there. Thanks for stopping by! This is my blog and since we're just getting to know each other, I feel like there are some things about me that I should just go ahead and put right out there, so you can make your mind up about whether or not you like me enough to come back and check in on me every once in a while. If so, AWESOME, we can have a little fun. If not, I hope you find what you're looking for out there in the interwebs. Here goes;

I love music. So much so that when other people say they love music, I get mad at music for cheating on me. The name of the blog comes from the fact that I feel that all my emotional education came from things I heard on a record. I don't know more about music than your Average Josephine, but I feel it in my bones, find comfort and solace in it and love nothing more than to share it. So i'll be doing a bit of that here.

I lost my father three years ago to cancer. It still burns. I think of him and the relationship that we had and didn't yet get to have and it burns. Ever so often, I'll go into a little depressive funk, so I beg for your patience in advance.

I'm a crybaby. I am also a laughbaby (Yeah, I made it up -- they're just words, they don't control us.)

I'm in love with Washington DC. I've only lived here for five years but it feels like home. I love the good, the bad and the ugly. I love the traffic and the one-way streets and the taxation-without-representation and the metro and Dupont Circle and the food and the diversity. Don't talk shit 'bout ma city and we'll be aiight.

I'm Nigerian. I've never felt like your typical Naija-girl (whatever that is) but I rep my hood regardless. I had the greatest childhood and have the fondest memories of Nigeria but no overwhelming desire to return, to put it nicely. That having been said, don't talk shit about my country and we'll be aiight.

I love my friends, even though this year I have learned the hard way that the only person you can really trust is yourself and I am trying to adjust my expectations of people accordingly. That was a hard one to take but you gotta learn to be jaded sometime, right?

What else? Oh,

I have my wedding fully planned. I am not in a relationship, nor have I really ever been. I am not the girliest of girls who has dreamt of her white wedding since kindergarten. It started out with just a song, then the flower arrangements, then the location, then what my groom would be wearing and who would design my bridesmaids' dresses....and it sort of snowballed. Interestingly enough, I don't know that I'll ever actually get married. Guess it never hurts to be ready though.

Okay, so that's me. In a nutshell. A pistachio nutshell, if you needed me to get specific. Oh, and I really don't like nuts -- that's another thing. That was off-topic. I hope you'll stick around long enough for us to get to know each other. Till we see again, goodnight.

What I'm Listening To Now: I Know You by Heart -- Eva Cassidy
(One of the most beautiful voices I've ever heard, native Washingtonian Eva Cassidy delivers a masterful ballad here that begs to be listened to over and over to fully get its brilliance. Hope you like)