Falling Awake -- Gary Jules.

Sometimes, I just want to over-indulge in the most destructive ways possible just so I can feel something other than abject misery. I think I’m not alone – I’m guessing this is why people over-eat, over-sleep, spend more than their monthly wage in clothes and shoes and sundry bits of useless shit they don’t need, mess with people that they shouldn’t, drink too much, et cetera. Right now, I’m about two dress sizes above where I started out at the end of last summer and I’m also mostly broke, with the possibility of having to move to another country at the end of the summer on the horizon. Why is it then that all I want to do is shop and eat? I’m sitting at my computer scouring the internet for some new piece of something that promises to (but never does) fill the giant hole that has gnawed its way through the center of me. This morning, I procured for myself a new pair of Nike’s, supposedly for the sake of facilitating my work-out – but really, I just wanted some new shit. I’m now on Macys.com, fishing around for what I’m not entirely sure, but I’m sure that it’ll be at my front door within 3 – 5 business days.

Ice-cream in the freezer is gone, beer in the fridge has been vanished. Thinking about going to get some more – not that I really want any, but focusing on the temporary pleasure from that will hopefully distract me from the current overwhelming, disheartening, disappointing series of events that is my life. Of course then I’ll get even fatter and then be even more depressed and want to eat some more. Is it just me that does not see an end in sight to this cycle?

What I’m Listening to Now: Falling Awake by Gary Jules. He gets it. It takes a few listens though. It's in the playlist to the right.