I don't know that I am equipped to ever have a child.
Not physically -- even though I suppose I have never really gotten that checked out, so that could present a problem in and of itself. The problem I speak of is an emotional one. Emotionally, I am not there. And I can't really see myself getting there. Ever. Another human being whose entire existence depends 100% on me? Meaning that if I don't feel like feeding it because I am pissed of at it, it dies? Meaning that if I want to go see a movie with my friends because I've been couped up at home for a week and I don't feel like towing along a whiny brat-baby, it dies? Meaning that if I want my own bloody personal space back and I want a glimpse back into what was my fabulous bachelorette existence for an hour, and I kick it out of my house to fend for itself against the elements, it dies? Meaning that if I resent it for eating up all my time and money and energy and stealing my youth and my figure and I starve it of my love, it dies?
Trust me -- I know how these scenarios sound. But what scares me is that recent events have led me to believe that these are the exact feelings that I will harbor toward this poor unborn. I am selfish. I can be selfish and horrible and inconsiderate and utterly self-involved. Even my mother told me so, and who knows you better? I was tempted to think that I'll love the kid when it's mine and that people only ever really develop those maternal tendencies when they reproduce themselves. But it's not true. I look at my friends -- Moh is this wonderfully warm person who, even amidst some of her more prima donna tendencies, does a remarkable job of making sure that those she cares about are well taken care of -- me, the boyfriend, the brothers. Lee gravitates to anything unable to hold its own head upright and lacking full control of its poop and pee facilities, and is extremely thoughtful and kind . And I know it's wrong to compare but if they have it already, why don't I? Will I ever? While I have all my babies' names all picked out (Ephraim for my first son, Clapton and Lennon for the twins and Carson for my wonderful spirited tomboy), I don't know that I'll actually ever get to meet them and I think I would really like to. I hope the next ten years prove me terribly, terribly wrong.
What I'm Listening to Now: Gravity -- Sara Bareilles
(Lawd, this chile can sang!! If you don't know, you better ask somebody. Or run along to iTunes and download this joint for yourself. A song for you if you've ever been under someone's spell and was inexplicably incapable of freeing yourself. Who hasn't? Simply written and beautifully delivered -- my favorite.)
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1 comment:
I don't think you are incapable of being a loving mother! Trust me when i tell you that not everyone walks around thinking they are gonna be great and some don't even want kids but wha la, the kid comes and evrything changes. There are some absolute monsters out there who have transformed just by the process of giving birth to a child. I know you and i know you will be a great mom especially because you are already so worried about it. Don't be so hard on yourself gurl! The fact is that he or she will be yours and will love you just for being its mom...what you call dependency I call unconditional 100% love, admiration, gratitude.
If all else fails you can always hire a personal trainer and get back your 20something figure (you will be stinking rich by then, Amen!)
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