Today -- Joshua Radin

I get told that I’m weird often. Very often. So often that I’ve come to wear it as a badge of honor almost. There isn’t another one of me out there. I process things differently. Sometimes, I have to remind myself to not say certain things out loud for fear of just freaking people the hell out. I enjoy a lot of different things and a lot of different people and I enjoy remaining an enigma, liable to say any damn thing at any moment if time. I enjoy not being predictable, run-of-the-mill or ordinary.

But then there are those days -- like today -- when I just want to be got. I need to be able to be upset and have someone know exactly why… someone who knows what the crux of the issues is, even if I don’t. I want to be able to talk for hours to someone about how Joni Mitchell moves me and not feel like I’m being thought of as a poser or a dork. Just on days like today, I want to be able to cry hysterically and not feel like I had to explain why, even to myself. I want to not have to lose hair over the fact that I may have unwittingly offended someone I care about because they just get that I am naïve and stupid and whatever it was, I didn’t mean it the way it came out. I want to be encouraged, without being talked down to.

Today, I want someone to tell me it’ll be alright and I want to be able to believe them. just today,

Hubba hubba!!!!!!

GIMME!!! GIMMMMEEEE!!!!!

Dooney & Bourke Girly Tulip Tassle Tote

In the presence of this bag, I have lost the ability to speak in complete sentences. It's just $150 and I know you're feeling generous. Come on, you know you want to!!!!

Falling Awake -- Gary Jules.

Sometimes, I just want to over-indulge in the most destructive ways possible just so I can feel something other than abject misery. I think I’m not alone – I’m guessing this is why people over-eat, over-sleep, spend more than their monthly wage in clothes and shoes and sundry bits of useless shit they don’t need, mess with people that they shouldn’t, drink too much, et cetera. Right now, I’m about two dress sizes above where I started out at the end of last summer and I’m also mostly broke, with the possibility of having to move to another country at the end of the summer on the horizon. Why is it then that all I want to do is shop and eat? I’m sitting at my computer scouring the internet for some new piece of something that promises to (but never does) fill the giant hole that has gnawed its way through the center of me. This morning, I procured for myself a new pair of Nike’s, supposedly for the sake of facilitating my work-out – but really, I just wanted some new shit. I’m now on Macys.com, fishing around for what I’m not entirely sure, but I’m sure that it’ll be at my front door within 3 – 5 business days.

Ice-cream in the freezer is gone, beer in the fridge has been vanished. Thinking about going to get some more – not that I really want any, but focusing on the temporary pleasure from that will hopefully distract me from the current overwhelming, disheartening, disappointing series of events that is my life. Of course then I’ll get even fatter and then be even more depressed and want to eat some more. Is it just me that does not see an end in sight to this cycle?

What I’m Listening to Now: Falling Awake by Gary Jules. He gets it. It takes a few listens though. It's in the playlist to the right.

Star Mile -- Joshua Radin

See, this is what happens when you spend the last two hours of your day watching videos of John Mayer on YouTube. You spend the next eight hours of your well-deserved rest dreaming about being at a private concert for...oh, about 50 of John's closest friends and fans...where you're sitting in the front row and John is playing to you and joking with you and dancing with you. As a result, you wake up more knackered than you went to sleep. But it was worth it! One day, John and I will be together......

Shut up. I'm not deluded. I just want to be the guitar.

A Change is Gonna Come -- Sam Cooke

So it's day two of mummy's visit and no major mishaps yet. In fact, things have gone rather swimmingly thus far.

I couldn't find a ride to get her from the airport, but fortunately my big brother and his sexy-ass friend pulled through :-). Can I digress for a moment to talk about that? You don't care? Ah well, I'll just move on...

She gave her usual criticisms about hair, skin, makeup, nails, clothes, my condo, my empty fridge, but i think i emerged relatively unscathed. I think i mostly agreed with her, actually. Could it be that we have finally reached that point -- that tipping point in the mother-daughter dynamic where i no longer see her as an unreasonable, overbearing, tyrannical lunatic and she no longer sees me as a self-involved, insolent, pig-headed heathen brat??? Could it be that we've reached the point where everything she says is not instantly nullified based solely on the fact that she said it? Could we be growing -- gulp -- to see eye to eye? If you're not a girl and have never been a teenage girl, you can't possibly imagine how scary a thought this is.

Check back in with me on Day 26 when I'm sure order would have been restored to the universe.

What I'm Listening to Now: The Weepies -- "The World Spins Madly On". That it does. Enjoy.

Can't Get it Right Today -- Joe Purdy

As every day passes, my chances of remaining in this country that i have grown to love and in which i had planned to live well into the foreseeable future diminish like a fading star.

For those of you fortunate enough to not be familiar with the US Immigration process, here's a little recap. You study for four (or in my case, five) years -- bust your ass to get the best grades so you're never passed up for any internship or scholarship opportunities. You spend all four summers interning, missing out on all of those road trips and summer vacations that you'll never again have time or chance to take. You participate in co-ops and extra credit assignments and you head up organizations and fundraisers and community services activities, all in the vain hope that when it comes down to it, you'll be deigned worthy to be given full-time employment at a prestigious firms which will file for you with the INS to change your immigration status from bastard-student (the dreaded F-1 visa) to glorified-worker (the much sought-after H-1B visa).

Now, even if you were so lucky as to find that firm that is willing to spring the couple thousand dollars it costs to file for you (and many firms are not, by the way). you now have to contend with every other newly graduated hopeful because your name goes into a great big ol' ballot-box. Yup, all your hard work and fun-less summers boil down to a simple lottery. A game of chance. A roll of the dice.

So it is that i find myself, sitting and waiting, checking on the status of my case every 15 minutes, in the hope that some random USCIS employee just happened to find my application lying at the bottom of some pile 3 minutes ago, stamped it (or whatever it is they do) and has forwarded it on to whomever these things get forwarded to, thus putting me out of my misery. This has not happened yet, so in the meantime, i have to put up with having the conversation, "Have you heard yet? My friend XYZ just found out -- do you maybe want to check again? It's getting pretty late in the game. When last did you check??" every 30 seconds.

Oh, did I neglect to mention what happens if you are not blessed with this heaven-sent visa? Yeah, you have to leave. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect $200. Which, in my case, would mean, selling a house (or renting it out and becoming a remote landlady), finding a place to live in a country to which i have not been in at least 6 years (more, depending on which country we're talking about), saying bye to the friends and siblings whom i have grown to depend on for life (basically), potentially finding a new job and generally, pulling my life up from the root. If i could only find a way to develop acceptance (or resignation) that whatever happens is for the best, the next few waiting days might not seem quite so life-alteringly interminable.

What I'm Listening to Now: "Good Life" by Francis Dunnery. It's from the SCRUBS soundtrack -- need i say more? Guy breaks up with girl only to discover years later that it was probably the worst decision he ever could have made. Simple guitar, great vocals, great lyrics. Have a listen, it's gorgeous.

Better Than Nothing -- Maria Mena

I hate that i still love you, even though you treated me like shit.

I hate that I miss you, even though you haven't left yet.

I hate that I'm jealous of you because your father was alive to walk you down the aisle.

I hate that I let you make me feel less than.

I hate that I am so easily influenced.

I hate that I am too weak-willed to fight the depression when it threatens to take over everything.

I hate that I lose perspective.

I hate that I need you to make me feel normal again.

I hate that I need you, but I do.

I hate that you've made me doubt myself and all of my friendships.

I hate that I eat to fill a hole, but I won't stop.

I hate that I think of you all the goddamn time, but I don't know where you are.

I love you but I hate you for having everything I want.

I hate owning up to all of this, but they say acceptance is the first step toward recovery.

Let the healing begin.

What I'm Listening to Now: "Make Me Better" by Fabolous and Ne-Yo. A hook I had over-looked months ago when this single came out just re-entered my subconscious and I can't get it out. I am fabolous (pardon the pun) without you, but super-fantastic with you. A happy medium between your standard "baby, let's go back to my place" R&B jams and your standard "before you came into my life, I was a helpless, hopeless, hapless mess" love song. Love it.